He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time
" And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place
But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away...
Searching for the answers, I paused for a moment. I began to wonder why I bothered in the first place.I am pushed back again into this crucial stage when I feel that somebody has hurt me deeply. Will I let my pain hang on to my heart where it will eat away my joy or will I use the miracle of forgiving to heal the hurt that I didn't deserve?
I often hurt most when I feel the pain of the people I love and care about. Sometimes I deny the pain I really feel to help me get through another day. It just hurts too much to acknowledge it. Sometimes it scares me.
I've learned that when I invest myself in deep personal relationships, I open my soul to the wounds of another's disloyalty or betrayal. But what I don't always recognize is that I'm never left empty handed.I can hold on to the satisfaction and pride that comes from knowing that I've participated in someone’s growth or healing, that I have made a difference in their lives...
Am I really ready to take my first step inside my healing heart? I know I'll have to pull my mind away from the person who I need to forgive. I don't know what will happen to the forgiven wrong doer. I only look at myself....the wounded forgiver.
My soul has been yearning to perform a spiritual surgery...cutting away the wrong that was done to me so I can see through that person's eyes. I know can heal my soul with that. I would want to detach from that person, from the hurt and let it go.
I would want to invite that person back into my mind, fresh as a piece of history, between I had been re-written, its grip on my memory broken. I would want to reverse the seemingly irreversible flow of pain within me.
As I am about to forgive the people who hurt me, I gradually can see the deeper truth about them. A truth that my pain has blinded me from, a truth that I know I can now see because I'm slowly separating them from what they did to me.
I'm slowly healing my memories. I don't wanna live in make-believe. I slowly see the truth again. For the truth about those who have hurt me is that they're weak, needy and fallible. They are needy and weak before and after they've hurt me.
I know forgiving can be real even if I have to close my doors with the person who has hurt me. I need not deny myself the healing of incomplete forgiving. I can forgive and be free in my own memories. But I choose not to. That is not the real me. But then, I cannot rush to forgive someone who just left me to suffer the cuts he/she sliced into my life.
So, where do I go from here? Where do I draw the line? How long before I get in and before I begin? How long before I decide, before I know what it really feels inside.
I'll need to try so I can know. The chance I get is the chance I seize...
The good I have to lose, the happiness I have to gain. It's when I'm ready to give up something can I promise a beautiful forever...
So...I'm finally almost out of that hole! After so long, my sleepless nights and "mons always lost" days are almost over. I've been workin' on myself lately. It takes me a while to get myself back together but I know that I will reach that point when everyone who had hurt me and taken me forgranted won't matter. I'm almost there, wait and see...
And so, the usual Monica Louise. I have to have a new look. It helps me feel good and reminds me of my worth. Something I've learned from one of my best friends, Shaira. A make-over! I've decided to go through one again last month. I think I do this every 6 months! Haha! But it's cool, I feel much better....physically, mentally, and...emotionally, almost there! I dyed my hair jet black and I'm now wearing blue contacts! I pretty much got back into shape since I have more time now to dance and go to the gym. It's a fresh start again....
Recent Picture: Funny, I somehow am reminded of Esmeralda (Hunchback of Notre Damne). I think I have a picture of her with the same look.
What's new? Well, I'm done with school! I'm glad that I finished college on time and despite that my parents aren't here, I made them proud. Being able to be Dean's Lister and at the same time a varsity player for the school's women's football team was quite tough. Lost a lot of weight and time for myself then coz there was heavy training everyday! Waking up 4AM everyday for 3 straight years and running for 5 hours wasn't easy. Discipline and hard work was needed. Of course, dedication is part of it. I'm proud of myself....I was able to balance my school and my extra-curicular activities (A BUNCH OF 'EM!).
So, here I am on vacation. taking my sweet time before I start working. I don't plan to take a long break though! I don't like not doing anything. Hehe! In the meantime, I am busy doing freelance work, bellydancing, and surfing! I miss wakeboarding though, and all the memories I have with that place! Mahn........... I know I'll be back there soon!
So, I guess I'll be blogging quite often now since I actually have time to... Not unless I'm not in the mood! Hehe.... A lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. Both good and bad. I'm taking it all in as God's blessings. I believe, it has molded me on becoming much of a better person. I'm not saying that I'm not, actually I already am but I can say I'm much stronger now. I'm finding myself back...the "MONS" that I really am...HAPPY-GO-LUCKY-PERSON! No more drama's this time! The time that I was in pain, I've realized that if others can't seem to appreciate who I am and know my worth in their life, then it's not my problem to deal with anymore. One thing's for sure though, it will hit them someday and will think of me.
It's been so long, I hope my mom will be able to come home this month! It's been almost 2 years since I last saw her. Miss her....Wanna hug her and feel that I belong somewhere in this world! Anyways, runnin' out of things to say........Hmm.....I smell food, till my next post! God bless!
"Such a carefree trip, paying up one time was worth it, no hassle arranging transpo, lodging, and boards, just get in and enjoy the ride. Joe Villatora was an awesome coach, native of Kauai in Hawaii! Half Fil half Hawaiian, this guy totally rocked and shared the stoke! :) got sponsored by Quiksilver and Roxy rashguards and beautiful Dick Brewer longboards too!!! With Joe was another Surf affectionado Rick who took a lot of good & beautiful shots in the water with us (to follow!).
What a weekend! The stoke is awesome as usual, always different from the last but never better, they all are the best! Joined the camp with a sense of anxiety as the swell forcasts were not too good -- FLAT daw! but thank god we were blessed with some breakin' waves!"
This shot was taken for Stonemoneysurf =) Lovin' it! Back to this habbit again! Can't wait for the surf season to begin! Wohoo! December Competition, here I go! =p
About Me!
- cRaZyBeAuTiFuL
- My profile:
- Loves to seek the thrill of life.
- Addicted to water.
- Wakeboarder.
- Surfer.
- Bellydancer.
- Soccer Player
- Happy go lucky person.
- Multimedia Artist.
- Trust me, it's paradise
- My Links:
- my website
- my multiply account
this is my life: