Finding Its End...

Published Tuesday, July 04, 2006 by crazybeautiful | E-mail this post

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And I thought my story was almost over. I sat again in silence for a time and found myself contemplating. "Should I stay or should I go? I couldn't decide, it was so difficult. There are some hurts that I can ignore, but some pains just don't wash out easily. I guess that when I invest a huge part of myself into something or someone, it almost begins to seem as though some part of them belongs to me even though I know realistically that I belong only to myself. Sometimes, all I get to do is care for something or someone and then eventually have to let go...
Searching for the answers, I paused for a moment. I began to wonder why I bothered in the first place.I am pushed back again into this crucial stage when I feel that somebody has hurt me deeply. Will I let my pain hang on to my heart where it will eat away my joy or will I use the miracle of forgiving to heal the hurt that I didn't deserve?

I often hurt most when I feel the pain of the people I love and care about. Sometimes I deny the pain I really feel to help me get through another day. It just hurts too much to acknowledge it. Sometimes it scares me.

I've learned that when I invest myself in deep personal relationships, I open my soul to the wounds of another's disloyalty or betrayal. But what I don't always recognize is that I'm never left empty handed.I can hold on to the satisfaction and pride that comes from knowing that I've participated in someone’s growth or healing, that I have made a difference in their lives...
Am I really ready to take my first step inside my healing heart? I know I'll have to pull my mind away from the person who I need to forgive. I don't know what will happen to the forgiven wrong doer. I only look at myself....the wounded forgiver.

My soul has been yearning to perform a spiritual surgery...cutting away the wrong that was done to me so I can see through that person's eyes. I know can heal my soul with that. I would want to detach from that person, from the hurt and let it go.
I would want to invite that person back into my mind, fresh as a piece of history, between I had been re-written, its grip on my memory broken. I would want to reverse the seemingly irreversible flow of pain within me.

As I am about to forgive the people who hurt me, I gradually can see the deeper truth about them. A truth that my pain has blinded me from, a truth that I know I can now see because I'm slowly separating them from what they did to me.

I'm slowly healing my memories. I don't wanna live in make-believe. I slowly see the truth again. For the truth about those who have hurt me is that they're weak, needy and fallible. They are needy and weak before and after they've hurt me.

I know forgiving can be real even if I have to close my doors with the person who has hurt me. I need not deny myself the healing of incomplete forgiving. I can forgive and be free in my own memories. But I choose not to. That is not the real me. But then, I cannot rush to forgive someone who just left me to suffer the cuts he/she sliced into my life.

So, where do I go from here? Where do I draw the line? How long before I get in and before I begin? How long before I decide, before I know what it really feels inside.

I'll need to try so I can know. The chance I get is the chance I seize...

The good I have to lose, the happiness I have to gain. It's when I'm ready to give up something can I promise a beautiful forever...

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About Me!

  • cRaZyBeAuTiFuL
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  • Loves to seek the thrill of life.
  • Addicted to water.
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    "graphic designer"

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    "True wealth is found in those things that cannot be bought be money."

    "Let's make the best out of our lives"

    "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

    "Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults."

    "Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good."

    "Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on."

    "Don't expect anyone else to support you."

    "Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it."

    "The key to happiness is not greater wealth, but contentment with what one already has."

    "Be not who the world wants you to be, be who you know you are. Be true to yourself"

    "True friendship knows not religion nor race, surpasses time and distance, judges nothing and accepts all"

    "Stand by the right path with integrity despite judgment"



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